Lifeline from God

No land in sight... but not drowning anymore

Art done in MS PowerPoint.

The road to somewhere

Have you ever had a "religious experience"? I mean, that distinct feeling that God is moving in your life and talking to you through other people? I've never had one until this weekend.

Last Friday I said things that really, really hurt someone. It was like my inner bigot decided to come out and have a party. It's a miracle I was even forgiven.

Even so, the Saturday that followed was possibly one of the worst I've ever had in my entire life. Weeping my eyes out in shame and guilt, you know? At dinner with the family, my sister asked me, "Are you sick?" I guess I looked really bad.

The worst part of it is, it was my own fault. There's nothing worse than that. And of course I've lost that person's trust.

And then at Mass the next day, failing to catch the 7:15 AM one at Don Bosco, I heard the one in our condo. And the priest's homily went like this, "Words are powerful. They should uplift and not destroy," exactly like someone was chastising me. You might think that's a common enough sermon to hear, but considering that the Gospel was about how Jesus drove a demon out of a possessed man, it was only slightly related to the literal meaning of the passage. Plus, it was delivered by a priest I usually feel weird hearing mass from, well, because he always seems to insert some self-congratulatory reference in the homily. And yet, and yet... he was the one who spoke the words that reached me, for the first time, in a long time at mass. So it seemed all of a theme. Speak gently. Amazing things can come out of the most unexpected people. Never judge too quickly.

And it was amazing. To hear God, even if it's just to hear him say, "Yeah girl. You have been bad." I actually felt slightly better.

It's going to be a long road. I don't know when I'll reach the end of it. But I remember a prayer I was praying some time ago and realize it has been answered. And the lesson learned from that is that next time, I should clarify what I'm asking for.

And the other lesson is that at the end of this road, there is a beautiful clearing.

Go Sit in the Corner!

You're a BAD PERSON.

Shame on you.

I Want My Mommy!

My mum's been dropping by the condo everyday for the past several days. It may have had something to do with the look of death that's been hanging on my face for a while now. Last Thursday, exhausted from having cried the night before and walking to and from Greenbelt, I woke up from my after-work snooze to hear the lock on our door turning and realized mum has dropped by again. With the usual load of things to fatten us up. I tried not to be a zombie and made conversation, as she sliced apples for me to eat.

By the time she left, I realized I wasn't sad anymore. Well, not as much.

When or if I do become a mommy, I want to be a mommy just like that.

This just needed to get out of my head

I was gonna put a Michaelangelo reference here but... never mind. It feels silly now.

Anyway saw the series finale of Avatar and this "fan-writing" just needed to get out of my head. Its a narrative version of one of the scenes and the words were demanding to get put on paper. Seriously. I have something like this for Return of the Jedi too. Haha I know, I know, I'm such a freak.

Anyway, since my sister isn't online, I'll paste this here.

***

The lightning charge gave an odd blue cast to Azula’s skin, washing out the dark shadows under her eyes. Her arms circled around her in the familiar form that served to build up the energy. I waited, watching her face carefully as she smiled. Azula’s eyes locked on mine.

… and slid past…

Almost too late, I realized as she threw the bolt, that she wasn’t aiming for me.

“NOOOOOO!”

I ran to catch the wave of lightning that flew past me with ferocious power, and knew I would never be able to make it. So I leaped directly into the path of the charge, shielding Katara, and tried to guide the flow of the energy as my uncle had taught me.

But I was off balance and the jump threw me just slightly out of focus, so that the energy didn’t flow into me.

It exploded into me.

The pain was like nothing I had ever known in my life. I dropped heavily to the courtyard floor and couldn’t even writhe with the agony. I wrestled to control the power inside me as it burned uncontrollably. But I had lost my hold on it and it continued to burn me from the inside out and I knew that if I didn’t find a way to release it, I would die.

Push it out.

It was not how my uncle had taught me.

PUSH!

And the power seemed to erupt out of every pore in my body.

The sky grew bright, briefly, as the lightning found release, carrying with it a strange sound. Then I realized that the sound was my own scream.

***

They had been fighting long and intensely, the air thick with the heat of their fire. It was as frightening and as powerful, I imagined, as it might have been between two dragons duelling. But I knew Zuko was gaining the upper hand when his last attack broke through Azula’s defense to send her spawling across the floor.

I had never seen Azula bested quite so soundly.

And then Zuko taunted her to use lightning, and I understood why. He was taking a calculated risk, a huge risk, that he would be able to redirect Azula’s attack and thus end the match decisively.

“I’LL SHOW YOU LIGHTNING!”

I watched her shape the deadly power with deliberate movements. Brother and sister stood directly in front of each other and I prayed that Zuko’s gamble would work.

And then Azula struck…

… at me…

The lightning came faster than I had time to react, and I felt the power of it even as it was still meters away. And then somehow Zuko was in front of me, shielding me from the lethal strike, and the lightning hit him full force.

He fell, shaking with pain, and I stared in horror as the lightning screamed, uncontrolled, out of his body.

Desperately, I ran toward him.

***

Yeah, this is a show on Nickelodeon. And it's nowhere near Spongebob :)

Remember the Name

It’s…

10% luck,
20% skill,
50% concentrated power of will!
5% pleasure,
15% pain,

And 100% reason to remember the name!

--- Fort Minor

Hugh Grant has this line in Two Weeks Notice where he tells Sandra B’s character something like, “Sometimes it’s not so nice when people don’t expect anything from you.” (They’d been talking about Sandra’s mom and how she had such high expectations of her, and how sometimes it gets to her. --- Uhm, yeah. So while other people collect love quotes, I store in my head lines from oddball characters.... hahaha. Kidding. I collect love quotes too, but only good ones like those from... Meteor Garden *wink*).

That line kind of stayed with me, because, well… all my life I’ve felt like I needed to live up to HUGE expectations, and there were lots of times I was overwhelmed by them. Now that I’m older (and even before I got this old, really) I realize these so-called expectations are as much my mind’s own fear-induced crafting as they are actual expectations of other people. Meaning, half the time I’m just overguessing what other people want from me. And that’s nice to know.

The line also stuck with me because it’s so true. As daunting as expectations can be they can also work to your advantage. Because expectations translate to reputation. Example. Since last semester, I have not been able to properly wrap my head around my studies. It’s like all of a sudden, the ‘equipment’ just refuses to take school seriously. In an effort to force myself to work, I enrolled in thesis (all 6 units of it) without any clear idea of what I wanted to do AND enrolled in another subject as well. Smart, right? I very nearly did not complete my subject, and very truly got an incomplete in my thesis units because I did not submit any kind of output whatsoever. I asked permission though. This is how it went:

Me: (nervously) Ma’am can I ask a favour of you? Can I continue working on my proposal over the summer?

Dr. V.: Why? Overwhelmed with work?

Me: (I so want to lie!!!) That’s part of it… but also, I’m having trouble... developing the topic… (crap!)

Dr. V.: Ma-iincomplete ka…

Me: (nods)

Dr. V.: Sayang naman. Well, make sure you finish it.

Me: (!;asldjf;laskdjf;llaskd!!!!) Thank you po!

Over the summer, I do not work on it. At all.

I had every *ahem* intention to start last May, then work happened again and everything is just so deadly now. I enrolled in residency this morning and Dr. V. seemed happy to see me, and I made some bluffy promise to submit a proposal this semester. Ohmygawdandshejustsmiledanddidn’taskwhatmytopicwas!!!

I walked away in a daze, not believing my luck.

I need to start deserving all the good things coming from my reputation.

I would like to take this opportunity though to thank Dael (although he doesn’t know about this blog) for assuring me that my academic un-productivity is a very common thing among working graduate students and that he went through it himself and actually had to resign to finish his masters. He sounded very reasonable and convincing too, which helped drive away the depression I occasionally sink into. He is now only a defense away from becoming a PhD. In Physics. And then he’ll work in some rich first-world country. What a genius. Hmmm, maybe he should be third on my list? J

Both my boss and my adviser are encouraging me to work on a topic that would just get me to finish given my workload.

It’s weird how good things can make you feel so unworthy, noh?

Are you a geek?

My definition of a geek is someone who specializes in esoteric knowledge that the mainstream population doesn't really care to know about THAT well. And a geek would know it VERY WELL.

--- Spoken like a true geek

And this is what students at GaTech Campus had to say:

I'm trying to come up with a list of the BEST DORKS/GEEKS evar. There are already two in my list. Know of any others? :)

Doldrums

Three points to the one who can tell what book(s) actually use that word?

I feel hugely guilty today. I find that whenever I talk freely about how I feel I find myself wishing afterward that I hadn't.